Harsh reality

To be honest, the main purpose of this blog is for me to actually come to terms with the fact that I am chronically ill.

That’s why I titled my blog “Chronically Clumsy”, because for a long time that’s all everyone, including myself, thought I was. I was just very accident prone, I had bad luck, I was just uncoordinated because I was so tall … the list of excuses just went on and on.

Thank you, our nurses!

Even now, I’m still making excuses as to why I keep getting hurt. Yes I’m hypermobile, but it was my fault for getting injured, I pushed myself too hard, or I should have known better.

Its been a rough few days. I’ve been having hip pain for a few months now, along with the feeling of it being ‘kind of out’. Its been frustrating, and causing some difficulty sleeping, but nothing actually seems to be making it better or worse, so I’ve just done my best to push it to one side and do the things I love because, at this point, they’re all that’s getting me out of the house and keeling me sane.

At dance class on Saturday, I bent down to pick something up, and because my hamstrings were feeling super tight, I left my knees straight and just folded forward so I could get in a good stretch at the same time. What I should have remembered was something my EP had said a few weeks prior, that the reason that my hamstrings were so tight was because they were the only things that were keeping my hip in place. This slight stretch must have been the last straw for my poor hip, because it just WENT. I’m talking actual subluxation, off on a holiday to another part of my body WENT.

Now my sleep is down from 4 hours a night to maybe 20-30 minutes at a time, with a total of about 1-2 hours. I can’t get comfortable, every 20 minutes I have to change my position, and yesterday I was practically bedridden. I’m so fatigued that I have the worst brain fog, I can’t concentrate at all and there are these times when I loose my train of thought only to come back to earth 20 minutes later not knowing where my brain went or what happened during that time.

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I managed to drag myself to the doctor this morning, but only because I have assignments due tomorrow and Thursday, which I haven’t been able to do and desperately need extensions for. I’m now not allowed to go to dance class tonight, or work tomorrow, and because I’m both unable to do pretty much anything and I’m hoping to get these assignments finished at least reasonably close to the deadline, I’ve had to cancel plans with my boyfriend on Wednesday as well. I forgot how isolating it gets when I’m stuck in my room.

I was really hoping that I could start out this blog all positive, but I guess that’s something that I’ll have to accept, sometimes illness has other plans. I just have to do my best to work with what I’ve got, if I have less spoons today than normal, that’s ok. Hopefully there’ll be a day when I don’t have to count my spoons quite as obsessively, but until then, I just need to come to terms with the fact that my daily supply of spoons is finite, but it doesn’t mean that my daily amount of happiness is, just, for now, I have to find it in different places.

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